It’s been awhile, I know… eight months, to be exact. But the exciting part about taking a hiatus, at least for me, is that I always come back more inspired than ever!
This year is my golden year. My best friend and I (whose birthday is also on the the 24th) were looking forward to our 24th rotation around the sun, with hopes of the promise that it would bring about good luck and all kinds of wonderment. I turned 24 on the 24th of March and almost immediately, I waited for my life to change. I waited and waited and then started to wonder, “where the hell is all the good stuff? Why isn’t anything amazing happening?” That might sound a little unfair, but it’s not like I just sat around waiting for my life to change without doing anything about it. I had lined up everything perfectly for my golden year. I started making plans to move to Colorado over a year ago. I found an apartment. I had interviews over the phone for different jobs in Boulder. I even made a savings jar a few months back for gas money for when it came time to drive across the country. I planned everything out to a T, so why wasn’t it happening? Why were all these speed bumps that were out of my control clogging up my runway? My plan was to move in July, and on August 1st, the anxiety attacks were coming in more tenacious than ever. Which leads me to this new post.
I’ve experienced anxiety for years, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I finally accepted it for what it was. It was more than just feeling worried or upset. It was something deeply rooted; not my conscience, but a separate voice in my head that was shaping my every thought. I’d think one thing, but then something completely different would come out of my mouth. I’d be screaming for help on the inside, but be laughing happily on the outside. It was more than just feeling out of tune, it was a total disconnect from my true, authentic self.
A few months ago, I started to feel “bad again,” like I felt when I was at the height of my eating disorder two years ago. Then I felt even worse when I thought, “this year is nothing compared to everything I went through last year,” therefore I’m not allowed to feel that way again. I felt unvalidated and alone and worse – I felt like I was going crazy. For the first time in my life, I was starting to feel like something might actually be wrong with me. When I finally reached out to someone, it felt more like I exploded and everything was coming out. I had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what I’m going through whether it’s big or small, my anxiety and my eating disorder are always going to try and convince me that I need them. That voice will always be there, trying to take control, hoping that I fall into its arms. Telling me that it will take care of me. That it will help me and tell me what to do. That no one will ever understand, but it will.
That voice has been so prevalent in my life for so long, I feel like I barely remember myself anymore. But I want to. I want to dig myself up and let myself breathe and feel synchronized with myself again. In order for that to happen, I had to break up with that other voice. The one that never served me or had my best interest at heart. The one that’s been telling me for years that I’ll never be happy, that I’ll never be worthy, unless I lose weight… unless I’m the smartest… unless I’m the prettiest… unless I move to Colorado and prove myself.
So, how long does it take to heal from a break up? Half the length of a relationship? After two bottles of wine? We’ve been together for so long. Years. It won’t be easy. That voice is needy and manipulative and it’s resilient… but so am I.
So maybe my golden year hasn’t proved to be the sunshine and rainbows that I had expected. Maybe this year was meant for change – the change that will transform my life for the better so that I can experience the sunshine and rainbows. It’s the year I say goodbye to that other voice and walk full-heartedly into recovery… for real this time. This golden year is the year I get back together with myself, the fiery, strong badass that’s been dying to be freed.